Posts Tagged ‘magazines’

You know what I’m sick of? 2 things.
1. Winter.
2. Seeing Kim Kardashian’s pregnant behind plastered all over the internet, t.v., and magazine racks at the 7-11 when I’m trying to buy my Family Sized chocolate bars.

In both cases, I think I can speak for the entire North American population when I say, “Enough Already!”

I want to be clear about my position on the Kardashians. Love ’em or hate ’em, the Kardashians are in your face all over the place. Famous for being famous, I guess, which is why they have such a dedicated posse of haters. And there are a lot of haters out there!!! I am not one of them. I happen to think that if you have found a way to be famous for no reason at all, you’re a freakin’ genius. Good for you! You’ve turned the public’s disgusting appetite for celebrity and all things superficial into a bankable career, and for that you should be commended. Reality shows, Clothing lines, high profile romances….. ahhhh the life. And as for the Kardashian women, for the most part I can actually look past the superficial bullshit and find admiration in the way these girls use their assets and social strengths to create public personas for themselves, all while steeling themselves to the harsh and criticizing world of our shallow and misguided society.

Case in point, Kim Kardashian. I happen to think that Kim is one of the most physically beautiful women on the planet. Not only does she have dark stunning features and a striking set of eyes, she has a bountiful body full of curves and one hell of a booty. A girl after my own heart. But probably the most attractive thing about Kim is her CONFIDENCE. This girl has a bum so big that I believe she had her ass x-rayed to prove that she doesn’t have butt implants. A lot of girls in her shoes would be draping themselves in pretty sarongs on the beach…not Kim. Kim rocks a tiny bikini every time. By industry standards, she’s got wide hips, big boobs, and a big ass.
EXCLUSIVE: Kim and Kourtney Kardashian take over Miami Beach with new beach bods
By my standards, and most women and men out there, she’s a goddess. And Ironically, her baby-daddy previously penned a song with the lyrics, “She’s got an ass that will Swallow up a G-String.” Yes, Confidence is sexy, and Kim has confidence. We’ve all seen that ‘uneven’ couple somewhere and thought, “How did HE get HER?” or vice versa. The answer to that riddle, of course, is Confidence. Mother Nature’s greatest equalizer. Not born with stunning good looks? Snaggletooth and hammertoes? One leg shorter than the other? No problem! All you need is a little of this here magic potion we call Confidence to level the playing field. It’s the single most important quality I believe a person can have, and I pray that my kids have tons of it. There are not many things that can shake a very confident woman….but pregnancy happens to be one of them.

Kim loves to be on the cover of magazines, and all over the media. It’s her career. But I’m pretty sure, when she got pregnant, this was not the type of publicity she was hoping for.

If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know that even the happiest, most excited, ecstatic mother-to-be goes through some serious body image issues at some point. Things all over your body are changing. Drastically. And while it’s true that not all women are as shallow and body-image obsessed as me, I do believe that most pregnant women struggle with getting bigger in some way. And most pregnant women would not want to be in line at the grocery store with a 2 litre pail of ice cream and see their own pregnant ass staring back at them from the newsstand.

With a caption that reads, “I can’t stop Eating!!”.

OK Holy Hell Society, I don’t know exactly who “you” are, but I’m pretty sure “you” are actually “we” and WE need to wake the hell up and leave pregnant women alone. The pressure that is being put on women in today’s world to be thin and beautiful all the time is totally out of control! I know I rant about it all the time, but it’s really getting to me. I think we can safely assume we are failing as a whole when we start picking on pregnant women about their weight, and EVEN MORE Ridiculous, their fashion choices. Like, Really? This is on the top of the list of most talked about public gossip….Kim Kardashian’s latest maternity fashion DON’T. OH.MY.GOD.

Check out this little nugget from :

“Kim Kardashian slammed for bad maternity style” As much as Kim Kardashian tries so hard to look good during her pregnancy, the socialite just can’t pull it off in her tacky maternity wear. In fact, the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star has been lambasted for her bad taste in maternity fashion – which usually comprise either baggy clothing or tight, skimpy outfits. A case in point: she was recently caught by fashion police wearing a billowing pink dress to church in Los Angeles. The reality TV star, who is six months pregnant, looked larger than life – especially around her ballooning hips.But Kim appears unperturbed by the criticism, tweeting photos of her bare pregnant belly for the world to see.

GASP!!! How dare she wear a billowing Pink Dress! How Dare She have ballooning hips!!! Nevermind that there’s a human being growing in between them, she should at least make an effort and slap some SPANKS on those bad boys and try to tame that tummy! Can’t she find anything more attractive? Well, it seems Kim just can’t win for losing. Now all of her fashion choices are being criticized and picked apart, and more often than not, featured in full-on “Mean Girl” style ‘Who Wore It Better’ articles. She gets compared to her previously pregnant sister:


Other celebrities who are NOT PREGNANT and probably starving themselves:

And in the most offensive and disturbing display of bullying I’ve seen in a while, she is being compared to Marine Life:

Now, can you imagine what life is like? This woman is in love, expecting her very first baby, and full to the brim with explosive pregnancy hormones. And every damn time she leaves the house, she knows somebody is going to have a problem with what she is wearing, and there’s probably going to be somebody taking a picture of her big pregnant ass at the absolute most unflattering time and angle possible. Did you ever catch a glimpse of your own pregnant ass by accident before? I have, and I’m pretty sure all the hairs stood up on the back of my neck I was so horrified. Pregnancy may be beautiful, but most of the time, it’s not pretty. And to expect it to be pretty, 100% of the time from someone, is not fair.

Can we leave the pregnant ladies alone? I remember being pregnant with my second. I was huge. My brother hadn’t seen me throughout my entire pregnancy until he came home at Christmas, when I was 9 months pregnant. I’ll never forget his face when he walked in the door and saw me. It was a look of shock and awe, which he tried to hide with arched eyebrows and a nervous chuckle. That was the same Christmas I considered punching my grandpa’s lights out if he made one more comment about how many sandwiches I was eating. And my step-dad, God Love Him, posted a pic of me on Facebook hunched over the buffet table shoving a big bite of something into my mouth. Thanks, Dad! Pregnant women just want to be left alone. We know we are big, thank you very much. I don’t even need to go into the whole spiel about how our bodies are growing precious little lives inside because, well, Eff you, that’s why! Nobody should have to explain or validate their appearance to anyone, let alone a pregnant woman. So back off, K? Can’t we get back to gossiping about the Bachelor’s resident nut-job and buying magazines revealing Hollywood’s worst Plastic Surgery Fails?

Instead, let’s make fun of the ridiculous photographic choices women make ON PURPOSE when they are pregnant! HEEEEHEHEHEHEHE FUN! Ok, so I have to cop to actually taking cheesy maternity photos myself, finally got around to it with #3 and, like everyone else who does it, really wanted to document and remember what my body looked like with that precious little life inside. But OOOOOHHHHH hahahaha I did not go this far. Check it out:


Jackie Chan says, “WTF?!?!”



Britney Spears says, “WTF?!?!”



Kim Kardashian says, “WTF!!!!?!?!”
kim kardashian 2 300410

hahahaha Come on, Kim, Strap on some of those Yellow Suspenders and let’s see “Who Wore It Better!!!”.


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So lately, I have been staring in the mirror a lot, and wondering, “What the Hell?”. I mean, I feel stronger! I feel leaner! I feel sexier! And then I open the blinds and the natural sunlight hits me, that evil beam of truth, and it’s like, “WHOOOAAAA, wait…what…the…hell….is THAT?!” I looked pretty good in the dim dark corner, but now, as I bask in God’s spotlight 12 inches away from my mirror, I can see all of my flaws. Stretch marks. Cellulite. Saggy boobs. Bruises. Wrinkles. Moles. Grey Hair. Hairy Legs!!! Moustache!!!! hee hee. Zits. Jiggle. Oh, and the newest member of the team, half-in, half-out belly button, thanks to baby #3. I’m a freakshow in white Hanes Her Way’s. I begin to question why exactly I am busting my ass every day working out and eating right and all that other health bullshit. If this is as good as it gets, I’m screwed.

But why? What is wrong with this package? Well, nothing. Nothing is wrong with my package. I am beginning to realize that. Maybe its age, maybe it’s exhaustion, but for one reason or another, I am really starting to not give two shits about how Women’s Magazines tell me I should look. Why?


Photoshop. That’s Why. Take this picture of Faith Hill (and shove it!!! haha just kidding). No really. Faith Hill is a stunning woman. Beautiful. And yet, strangely enough, Redbook Magazine feels that she is not quite beautiful enough to sell this “WOMEN’S” magazine to other women!!! So, like every other magazine, they perform a few minor tweaks. Soften the chin. Soften the eyes. Rub out the wrinkles around said eyes. Make her skinnier! Skim the back fat. Look, even her arm is half the size! Airbrush out all that shiny skin….we want soft, smooth baby skin on our 40 something Country singers. Oh, and might as well make her neck a little longer, just for shits and giggles. DONE! perfection.

Bet you don’t feel as bad about yourself now that you’ve seen that, right? Faith Hill has wrinkles, too! And Back Fat! She’s NORMAL. Well, not so fast. Still kind of leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, doesn’t it? After all, commoners like you and I don’t have the luxury of walking around with an entourage of lighting, hair and makeup professionals with the benefits of Photoshop. The world gets to see our ugly. Especially in sweatpants at 7-11 on a 10 pm run for chips & dip. Faith Hill has ‘people’ for that kind of stuff. And she’s over 40! Of course she has wrinkles! The young buck spring chicken celebrities obviously don’t need that much digital “detox”, right? Those ladies are the ones who really have one over on us.

Well….maybe not.
Feast your eyes on Britney Spears in all her posterior glory.


Now don’t misunderstand me, here. I am definitely not trying to be a “mean girl” and make fun of Britney Spears’ bum!!! She has a spectacular bum!!! But more importantly, girls, she has a NORMAL bum. It is not a flawless, honey-golden perfectly plump ass like the music videos would lead you to believe. She has a bit of cellulite, too! She has been smoothed, slimmed and lifted to perfection. Whose idea of perfection? Your guess is as good as mine. But I have a rotten, sneaky suspicion that we can’t pin all the blame on the MEDIA all the time. The beauty and entertainment industry is, after all, a consumer-driven business. And who are the majority of those consumers? Women.

You may have noticed, I happen to be kind of an “ass” girl. I appreciate a nice round bum, and I have become slightly obsessed with achieving one. But when I look in the mirror, I can’t help but feel defeated and hopeless. That is, of course, until I saw this pic:


See those slight “saddlebags”, that mild cellulite, and almost-touching inner thighs? I HAVE THAT!!! Do you know what this means? I, too, can look like the cover of MAXIM magazine. And I don’t need to work out for one more day! All I need is Photoshop! Thank GAWD….somebody get me a spoon, I’m gonna celebrate… all the way down to the bottom of the peanut butter jar!

It’s not all about the body shape either, girls. You may not have realized this, because it is a HUGE secret, but PSSSTTT……celebrities get zits too! Check it out….


Have you ever been driving along on a nice sunny day, minding your own business, thinking about rainbows and butterflies, when you glance into the rear-view mirror and *SMACK*! A huge and angry looking red zit reaches down and bitch slaps you into reality? You could swear it wasn’t there when you left the comfortable soft lighting of your cave, but out here in the harsh light of day, your skin seems like it suddenly contracted some kind of foreign parasite and you find yourself wishing it was socially acceptable to wear a balaclava in the middle of July. Well, you’re not alone!!! Contrary to popular belief, zits don’t disappear when you turn 18, either. They’re in it for the long haul, just like Herpes! Zits are like your annoying third cousins…they’re irritating, they’re ugly, and you may not see them often but when you do, you remember why you hate them. Oh, and they like to pop in at the most inconvenient times. With friends. Just like zits. Only you can’t Photoshop your cousins out of your life…..See? Zits are better!

What I’m getting at here is that we as women have this idea in our heads about what we “should” look like….We could blame it on Hollywood, we could blame it on Magazines, we could blame it on men! But the truth is, we are doing this to ourselves. Women’s magazines Photoshop their ads because women will easily believe the lie that we are not quite good enough, but if we buy their stuff, or follow their advice, or wear their clothes, maybe we could be. And to be a nerd and quote Carrie from Sex and the City…”Why are we ‘Shoulding’ all over ourselves?”. Not to mention, we judge each other. Don’t pretend we don’t. Maybe it’s jealousy, or insecurity, or maybe we’re just plain mean sometimes, but women are guilty of the highest level of betrayal…turning on our own kind. The result of that is Photoshop! We are afraid, for fear of judgement, to present our natural selves to the world, and it’s a sad, sad shame.

I flipped on the tube last night, and while perusing the guide I found: “Dana: The 8 year old anorexic“. I have a soon to be 8 year old daughter. My pulse quickens with anxiety at the thought of her ever feeling like her perfect little body somehow doesn’t measure up, and yet I know that at some point, she will. How can I prevent this from happening? I wish I knew. I can only hope that I can instill in her enough self-confidence to know that she is not perfect, as nobody is, but she is Just Right. I would want her to become an adult who knows that her flaws do not define her, and that worrying about all the ways she isn’t perfect is just a huge waste of time that would be better spent enjoying life. Any mother would want that for her daughter.

I am somebody’s daughter. Maybe it’s time I took my own advice? I think so.

Strong Women


Now if you’ve been reading my blog or you happen to know me, or both, you might guess that I am rarely caught without my makeup on. We all know people like this… I just happen to be one of them, and I’m admitting it out loud to myself in concerted effort to try to change that, at least a little bit. My sister-in-law always comments on how put together I look, and how she sometimes wishes she would put more effort into her appearance like that. (She also happens to be one of the most stunning women I know, makeup or no makeup, so of course I tell her she’s crazy). Well let me tell you, and her, and the rest of the world that its absolute ridiculousness and its totally exhausting.

I’m not sure when it started exactly,but I can remember at a very early age sneaking my mom’s mascara with me to the rink on Saturday nights (ha ha can you tell I’m a small town Canadian girl?) because I wasn’t allowed to wear it when I left the house. I became very aware at a very early age that an attractive physical image equals positive attention, and positive attention eventually morphed into becoming one of my main sources of self-esteem, and here I am now, 32, afraid to be seen without my spackle on.

Let me give you a clear picture of exactly the kind of insanity we’re dealing with here. I don’t go to the 7-11, the grocery store, or even the Post Office without make-up on. I try to avoid swimming for fear of washing all of that hard work off my face. (I mean its bad enough being in a suit already, at least I could try to maintain a little bit of illusion!) I don’t wash my makeup off before I go to bed (GASP!) but that’s mainly just because I’m too lazy. Unfortunately, because of this, my boyfriend never saw me without it until about 6 months after he moved in with me! Crazy, right! Well not as crazy as what he said to me when he saw me without it. I came out of the shower and as I walked through the kitchen he stopped to give me a kiss, then looked at me, and said, “You look weird without makeup.” Uh, WTF?!?! Don’t most people say their boyfriends tell them they look beautiful, Au Natural? Well not mine! In his defense, at least I know he understands me. One morning, I hadn’t showered and “gotten my face on” yet and he offered to go to the grocery store for me. Why? Because he knows I wouldn’t be caught dead going out in public looking like roadkill, that’s why. Now that’s real love! But possibly the worst example I have is being in labour with my first child, and taking the time to shower, blow-dry my hair, and put on a full face of makeup before I would allow myself to be driven to the hospital. Yep, I’m totally batshit crazy. I learned in a hurry that when you’re doubled over the birthing bed, howling in pain with your bare ass hanging out for the world to see, a little smudged mascara and a bad hair day are the least of your worries.

As sad and embarrassing as it is to admit, my kids have also gotten accustomed to my behaviour. They know it’s just a given that mommy showers, puts on her makeup, and blowdries her hair before we leave the house. Period. Unless the house is on fire. Then I’ll skip the blow dry. When my son was four, he came into my room when I was getting ready and asked, “Mommy, as soon as you’re done painting on your mask, can we go to Grandpa’s?”. I laughed, of course, but cried a little on the inside. Because that’s what it is, really. It’s a mask. It’s not the real me. And I’ve begun to ask myself, Why is the real me not good enough?

OK now that is deep on so many levels that I won’t go into here. But it brings me to the big question. Why do we, as women, put so much pressure on ourselves to “look good” all the time? Why are all the ads in all the magazines photoshopped to look completely flawless, when by nature we are beautifully flawed? Why is the cosmetic industry a multi-billion dollar industry? Why does almost every cast member of “Real Housewives” look like a walking ad for plastic surgery? Why are 6 year olds in Pageants getting spray tans? It’s overwhelming, it’s shocking, and it’s scary. But for millions of women, it’s reality! I would love to wake up in the morning, splash some cold water on my face, and go to the store without fearing that the clerk ringing up my items might think I have the Swine Flu, but something ingrained in me early on has prevented this from being possible. I want to change that, and I want to avoid passing that on to my daughter. I want to jump in the lake and not worry about ruining my makeup! In my quest to build my character and grow as an adult in this world, I am challenging myself to go beyond the parameters of the comfort zone I have created for myself. I know I’m not going to give up makeup cold turkey, but I am going to try not to be such a freak about it. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

Men wake up in the morning and their only concern is to get a cup of coffee and take a nice satisfying dump. Kids wake up in the morning and their only concern is how many marshmallows they’re going to get in their Lucky Charms. But not women. Women worry about their masks. Is it on? Is it good enough? Can anyone see through it? And the worst part is, many of us are wearing these masks for fear of what our fellow females might think! So I pose some food for thought to you here:

What kind of mask are you wearing? What’s the worst thing that could happen if you took it off?


Are you like me? Do you find yourself comparing your own “wrapper” to the wrapper of all the other candy bars on the rack? It starts out innocently. Hmm, I sure like these red stripes on my wrapper, but OH…look at that wrapper over there….PURPLE stripes! And is it just me, or are they…yes they are definitely thinner stripes. Oh well at least I have caramel. AND PEANUTS! Don’t forget the nuts. I am definitely the nuttiest bar on the shelf. But that little number over there has less carbs. I’d kill for carbs like that. Damn my carbs!!! ugghhh.
Well let me tell you what is to blame for this type of behavior.
Kourtney Kardashian.
When you’re standing in line at the grocery store with a cart full of diapers, formula, baby food, diet pepsi, peanut butter and a prescription for Prozac this is the last thing you want to see:


Oh, you lost 44 lb in 6 months? And your photo is not retouched? (Eyes rolling). How lucky you are to not have gotten stretch marks that glisten in the sun and look like white zebra stripes when you get a fabulous golden tan like that, Kourtney. You must take your newborn to the beach everyday! In between naps and workout sessions of course. And check out those fabulous jugs! I bet breastfeeding came very naturally to you, I can tell by the way your nipples aren’t bleeding through your bathing suit. How glorious and beautiful motherhood is. It really is glamorous, isn’t it? And is it just me, or did your “vajizzle dizzle” even get smaller??????

She’s not alone, really. Maybe she’s actually as big a victim in this as the rest of us. Let me enter into evidence, your Honor, Exhibit A:


What the HELL? Seriously, as if women don’t have it bad enough, now we gotta try and squeeze into our skinny jeans before we can even take a normal poop without white knuckling through it!

I did not feel sexy while pregnant. I know there are those of you out there who swear that’s when you “feel the most like a woman” and “love your new curves” and all that bullshit and I’m happy for you freaks of nature, but for the most part, I felt pretty gross. I swear the only bonus was the overnight boobjob (and of course, the precious little human being growing inside my body!). I literally felt like I could FEEL my ass growing. The worst part of it all, though, was the fear of what would happen after I could no longer hide behind my babybump. And for all you ladies out there who have carried babies, you know that THIS is the reality you’re left with:


Now I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy, but I suspect this is not all Kourtney Kardashian’s fault. Even parenting and pregnancy magazines are pushing all kinds of articles about “tips for bouncing back” and publishing glossy layouts of thin, fit “moms” doing “workouts” using “their own” (yeah, right) babies as weight resistance. See, it really is that easy!
You wanna know what really happens when you try and use your own baby as weight resistance in a relaxing, peaceful yet calorie burning workout? He freaks out if you try and put him in the Baby Bjorn, barfs on your forehead when you attempt a Lateral Raise, and once again, shits his pants before you can actually break a sweat. If you ask me, those magazines should print less of that garbage and more articles like, “How to Save your Sanity in One Easy Step”, and “Tips for Not Strangling Your Snoring Spouse When He Doesn’t Hear The Baby (AGAIN) at 3 am”.

I remember shortly after baby #3 was born, my 7 year old daughter asked me why we were taking so many darn walks lately. In an exhausted and, in hindsight, a rather condescending tone I explained that mommy needed to excercise so I could fit into my pants again. “But you’re wearing pants right now,” she stated. “Yes, but these are my stretchy pants. I have to wear these stretchy ones because that’s all that fits me right now.” She thought about it for a second and then replied, “Well then why don’t you just buy more stretchy pants?”

Out of the mouths of babes, hey? Seems logical. In fact, it IS logical. My 7 year old had just shone a blinding spotlight on the idiocy that is sweeping the nation. Unfortunately, we have all forgotten how to think like a child, without the filter of negativity and self criticism that is eroding our appearance obsessed culture. I can only hope that someday, I will be a positive role model for my daughter in self acceptance. In the meantime, I guess I just have to struggle along with all you other moms out there between keeping a healthy body image, and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. But first, I think I better go back to aisle 4 and grab a pack of condoms. And a chocolate bar. Sigh.