Archive for the ‘Romance’ Category


Do you ever wonder just who was the mastermind behind making Valentines Day a nationally recognized Reason To Buy Shit I mean Holiday? I guess I could Google it and find out but whatever. My point is that whoever it was, was a marketing genius. I know we’ve all heard the bitching about how Valentines Day is just a made up holiday created by the Walmarts of the world, but I’m going to choose to take the high ground here and discuss the OTHER problem with Valentines Day. Those pesky little relationship hemorrhoids I like to call EXPECTATIONS.

I LOVE love. Really! What’s better? The feeling of those little butterflies flittering around in your heart, reminding you with every beat that there’s somebody in this world who thinks you’re just the Best! Falling in love is like ripping the Fresh Seal off a brand new jar of peanut butter…You’re Super Excited, can’t wait to get your hands on it! You can’t wait to peel back that foil and feast your eyes on that smooth, creamy, perfectly flawless goodness. You take in the heavenly aroma…smells so good! You tremble with anticipation as you dip your spoon…and finally, you taste that familiar but oh-so-fresh flavour you’ve been longing for. Sweet sweet peanut butter, where have you been all my life?? You know you should hold back, you don’t want to seem to eager! But Damn! You just can’t seem to get enough. Day and Night all you think about is that brand new jar of peanut butter, just waiting to be enjoyed. You’ve been apart too long. But pretty soon, Peanut Butter starts to lose that ‘brand new’ feeling. The novelty is wearing off. After a few marathon binges, it somehow loses its’ appeal, just a little. It’s been in the cupboard for a while, not quite as fresh. You start to really want it only with your morning coffee, and then maybe you wonder if it’s not good for you too have so much Peanut Butter and you decide to “Take a Break”, and before you know it, you’re dipping your spoon into a fresh new jar of Nutella instead. Sigh. Tale as old as time.

Well that kind of took a negative turn but my point was that love starts out with a bang! Love is great! So exciting! Romance is at its peak, at the beginning. All you can think about is all the amazing things you can do for each other to make yourself seem impossible to live without. Text you at 5 a.m. and tell you that you’re more beautiful than the sunrise! Hide love notes in your car! Take you shopping and buy you a brand new outfit! And my personal favorite, Sending Flowers for No Reason At All! Wow, you’ve really hit the jackpot. You have finally found the most romantic partner in the entire world. How has nobody snapped this person up yet? You must be sooo special! Boy has he sure set the bar high!

And then Reality starts to rear it’s ugly little head. Nobody can be romantic all the time! Its impossible. Yes, I’M SORRY that I forgot to write “I LOVE YOU!” in the steam on the bathroom mirror but I was late for work! And I know I used to text you one hundred million times a day “Just to say hi!” but now I see you every day and I know you’re going to be there when I get home and when I go to bed and when I wake up every damn day for the rest of eternity so I guess I just don’t see the need. And yes, I know I used to take you out to our favorite restaurant every Saturday but the truth is, the garlic bread makes your breath atrocious, and I’m tired of holding in my lasagna fueled farts for the rest of the night in a gallant effort not to ruin the “mood”. It’s easier if we just stay in and have popcorn.


What I’m saying is that sooner or later, the romance, well, dies.

And THAT’S where Valentines Day comes in!!!! If your partner is not living up to your romantic EXPECTATIONS for the other 364 days of the year, at least you know you’ve got this ONE day where he’s gonna make you feel SPECIAL, Dammit! You daydream about what crazy display of affection he might miraculously come out of nowhere with. Last year was the standard card and flowers but THIS year, this year might be different. You’ve been throwing a few vague hints around. Don’t want to seem too desperate! You tell him that you really don’t expect anything, and that you don’t need him to make a big deal because you know he loves you, but you’re secretly thinking, “That bastard better get me something good for all the bullshit I’ve put up with this year!” You might even be extra special sweet in the days preceding The Big Day, hoping your efforts won’t go unnoticed and, ahem, unrewarded. What happens is you end up sending all kinds of mixed signals. Your date is pretty sure you want something, but you keep insisting that you don’t. You swear you think Valentines Day is a big waste of time and money, and then you proceed to rip to shreds the husband of your best friend who had the audacity to “forget” about Valentines Day last year. Who are we? WOMEN! What do we want? WE DON’T KNOW! When do we want it? NOW!!

The result is what I saw yesterday….droves of men, quickly darting into the Bargain Shop and the Florist with either confused or panicked looks on their faces. They don’t know what you want, or what you need, but they’re damn sure you EXPECT something. So they do what they did last year. Card, Flowers, Done. Good Enough. You stuck around last time so they figure it’s probably worth the gamble. They hope for the best but brace for the worst. And on the off-chance they actually did go above and beyond this year, they’re just fools setting themselves up for failure. How’s a dude supposed to top that next year? And if you’re that Extra Special Man who proposes on Valentines Day… good luck with that. You’ve just created a monster. A high maintenance, sentimental, romance craving monster.

Expectations. Killing the Romance and the Mood Since The Beginning of Time. Nevermind that Valentines Day is pretty much just one huge guilt trip disguised in pink. If you get something, it doesn’t mean he loves you any more than he did yesterday! It just means he’s afraid to come home to find all his shit out on the front lawn. That, and he’d really like to up his chances of getting some tonight. So ladies, cut your man a break. If you’re gonna have expectations, at least be clear about them. And don’t do what this poor guy’s wife did:


Don’t tell him all you want is his warm, fuzzy heart.