Archive for the ‘Motivation’ Category

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It’s OK Val, we all fall into a rut sometimes. Even though you were once a hot, chiseled, latex-wearing tight little package of twisted steel and sex appeal, try not to let this current sad state of affairs get you down. You’ve gotten a little chubby! That’s OK! Just put down the sandwich and get right back on that hamster wheel. Am I right?

Well unfortunately, Val and I both know it ain’t always that easy. I remember what it was like to feel like a hot and sexy superhero too. It was awesome!!! Kickin some ass and takin’ names. 45 minute Insanity workout everyday, showered, dressed and ready to take on the world by 9 am? I think SO! I worked hard, I felt great, I looked good! I laughed in the face of Danger!!! I pinned a plethora of healthy meal ideas and fitness motivation pictures to my Pinterest Board. I was unstoppable!

So what went wrong, you ask?

Queue Swimsuit Season please.

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Now to be clear, I was feeling pretty darn good right around March/April. I’m always in the best shape of the year at the most pointless and inopportune time of the year. Exactly when everyone is wearing parkas and sweaters and hiding on their couches under a Snuggie, that’s when I look best in my bathing suit. Its like a law of nature. Why? Because January to April happens to be my “slow” season for cakes, and I have the time to make working out and eating healthier into a part-time job. Which, let’s be honest, it really needs to be in order to look even remotely close to one of those ‘motivational’ fitness models. The trouble with those girls, however, is that they start out looking MOTIVATIONAL but after a month or two of working out and trying to eat “clean”, the only thing all those motivational fitness pics on Pinterest motivate you to do is give your computer the finger, type “quick and easy desserts” into the search bar and forget you ever saw them.

So ANYWAY, as I was saying, I was rockin’ my bikini in April. Well I live in SASKATCHEWAN and we get approximately 2 DAYS of hot beach weather per year and they generally don’t arrive until late July. That’s a tough row to hoe, my friend. That’s basically a 3 month all-you-can-eat BOOOFAY of hotdogs, macaroni salad, ice cream and beer to barge through before arriving at DESTINATION:SMOKE SHOW in July. And if you’re willpower-challenged like me, it’s pretty much a lost cause. You see, friends, I fell into a rut.

My Rut started where most ruts do, in the kitchen, but not for the reason you think. I found myself at the end of my 2 month Insanity program at approximately the same time my busy season started gearing up. This was the perfect storm, a combination of excuses ranging from “I’m too busy” to “I’m too tired” to my personal favorite, “I can afford to take a little break and reset my metabolism.” Before you know it, my running shoes have collected a layer of dust, I’m covered in frosting, and I’m shoveling cupcakes down the hatch with reckless abandon in the interest of “quality control”.

So much for my swimsuit dreams. I take my cake breaks on the couch, drinking beer and eating sandwiches, trying not to make eye contact with the poster of Jillian Michaels taped to my treadmill. I begin wearing my yoga pants a lot. I start to try and rationalize the situation, attempting to spread a little silver lining around this unfortunate cloud of despair. Maybe all this cake will go straight to my boobs!
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Or not. My tank tops are tighter, but in all the wrong areas. I begin to lose hope. Every day that passes is another day closer to “Someday, when I feel like working out again,” and that day never comes. Welcome to my Rut. Its deep and dark and smells like fried chicken.

Yesterday, I threw caution to the wind. I caught a glimpse of my ass in the window of the ice-cream shop (where they know me by name) and went straight home to lace up the runners. Today, I groaned and creaked to life as my super stiff body tried to roll out of bed. And so, I’m back on the hamster wheel. Come on, Val! There’s room for two!

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Hi, Remember Me?

It’s been awhile. Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve been soooo busy working out and focusing on eating well and living a healthy lifestyle that by the end of the day, I’m just exhausted and haven’t found the time to blog.

hahahah ya right. You wanna know what I’ve really been doing for the last 2 weeks? Eating chocolate bars. True story.

Not to mention, totally avoiding exercise at all costs. Siiiiggghhhh. It was a good run while it lasted.

OK, let me redeem myself a little here, I’m not giving up!!!! But I do have to come clean and admit to myself and the general public that I have gotten somewhat complacent and dare I say lazy in the last couple of weeks. I could feel it slowly coming on, like you know when you’re starting to get the flu, and you feel that little yucky twinge in your gut? And you stop, raise one eyebrow, and think, “huh. that was strange.” And you carry on with your day. And then a couple of hours later you hear a gurgle down below and you have a seat and wonder if maybe you should go to the bathroom, just to be safe? Until later that night, when you’re doubled over the toilet while your 6 year old holds your hair back and you’re wearing the old black sweatpants “Just In Case” an accident happens and you think, “Yep. Definitely feelin’ pretty sick!” Well that’s what it’s like when your exercise regimen is beginning to lose steam. Maybe you are forced to skip a workout one day because of logistical impossibility. The next day, suddenly, it becomes a little easier to talk yourself into skipping again. Like, “Golly Gee I sure had a lot of extra time yesterday when I didn’t do my workout, I bet if I just let one more day go I could really get a lot done off my To-Do-List and then I will get right back at it tomorrow!” MMMMM-HHMMMMM. Then you get up the next morning feeling kind of guilty, until you look in the mirror and think to yourself, “Hey, I haven’t worked out for 2 days, and I still look pretty damn good!” Then not only does it seem somewhat pointless to keep busting your ass in those crazy workouts, but the trip through the kitchen also starts to take a bit of a turn. Bread starts looking really tasty again. Just one piece of toast for breakfast won’t hurt. Geez, people eat this stuff all the time! Yogurt is getting boring! A little break won’t hurt anyone! Well, that’s where it starts. And then eventually you end up like me, eating chocolate bars every day and baking Sticky Buns at 10 pm on a Monday night. And like the pathetic mess doubled over the toilet with the flu, you eventually find yourself wondering how things went to hell so quickly.

Today was supposed to be the day that I took my “After Insanity” photos. It would have been the first day after the entire 9 week program, and the plan all along was to track my progress and report my measurements. And I have to say, I did do really well! I lost 4 jeans sizes, and definitely toned up. I have an ass I am proud of!!! I still am not really weighing myself because I don’t own a working scale, but last time I got on the Wii I has down a couple pounds. So whatever, I did well! I accomplished what I set out to… I feel good in a bathing suit! HOWEVER…..I am not posting my measurements/photos for 2 reasons: 1. I looked better 2 weeks ago before I fell off the wagon and 2. I really don’t think anybody gives a shit how many inches my waist is or how my bum looks in a bikini.
Am I right? That’s what I thought. The reason you all read my blog, I am guessing, is because it’s nice to know that somebody out there struggles with the same annoying bullshit that you do, and that you’re not alone. So that is what I’m here to report to you. The results of my exercise program and quest for a better body……here goes.

Exercise is hard goddamm work. I said it. If you want to lose weight, you gotta REALLY want it because ladies, it is ALWAYS going to be easier to sit on the couch and watch Dr. Phil. Nobody ever got a beach body or fit into their skinny jeans by taking leisurely strolls around the block and doing “5 minute abs” once a week. It takes sweat. It takes persistence. It takes a dash of vanity and a shitload of motivation; because let’s be honest here, nobody ever launches a major weight loss program “just to be healthier”. I think everyone in some way wants to look better, to some degree. And it takes momentum. You are not going to want to work out and eat clean and drink 8 glasses of water every day and all that bullshit right out of the gate. It takes time, getting used to a new routine. The results of my experience in this area, were that it does get easier. It becomes a welcome habit. Eventually you start looking forward to it, not because of the pain and agony you may feel while you are exerting yourself but because of the incredible feeling of exhaustion and elation and pride when you finish. That is the hook right there. The payoff is the power you feel when you’ve defeated your pessimism. And, of course, results, which brings me to my next point.

If hope and pride are what bring you to your workouts every day, Results are what keep you going. Results are the reason, whether your desired result is measured with a scale, a tape measure, a heart rate monitor, or a blood pressure cuff, when you finally start to achieve what you’ve been working towards, it’s kinda like crack. Very addicting! It somehow makes it much easier to keep sweating your ass off in spandex, when the spandex is getting noticeably looser. When you begin to realize that you are capable of accomplishing a goal, whether it be big or small, you definitely feel a bit more empowered. Suddenly, it’s like you’re 5 years old again and your dad is telling you that you can be anything you want to be. The world feels full of possibility. You begin to believe that you could actually achieve something, just because you decided to. Why? Cause you’re awesome! But don’t get too comfortable with those results. If you’re like me, they can turn on you.

At some point, positive results begin to work against you. You used to look in the mirror and think, “Ugh, I gotta get back on the treadmill.” And now that you’re lookin good, you sometimes look in the mirror and think, “Damn I look good!” Which can go either way. It will either make you want to keep going, or if you get to the tipping point like I did 2 weeks ago, it makes you think maybe you don’t have to work so hard and you can relax a little! This is a slippery slope, my friends. What your mirror won’t tell you, is that the reason you look so damn good is because you work hard, but your eyes are focused on your tight bum and your flatter tummy and you’re all gaga in love with how your skinny jeans are fitting you and you decide to celebrate with a nice little Hershey’s with Almonds. And before you know it your treadmill collects a layer of dust and you’re bribing your kids to get in the car and take a late night run to 7-11 because mommy needs some chocolate. Nevermind that all they want is a slurpee and some gum…that lady at the checkout thinks the 4 family sized chocolate bars are actually for The Family and I’m not going to tell her otherwise. You see, life is like that. Up and down. Sometimes you’re winning the race, sometimes you trip on your laces and eat dust. But you just gotta get back up. Right?

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I went out on the weekend and saw a lot of people I haven’t seen in a long time. It was great for my ego (ha ha). People were telling me all night how great I looked, asking me what I was doing differently, etc. I was proud of my results and hard work. But I also felt like a real douchebag! I had a big chocolate bar for supper that night, and washed it down with a Diet Pepsi. And, some fries a little later. And a couple few whiskey cokes at the bar. So as I was divulging the details of my intense workout program, there was a little chocolate bar with devil horns on my shoulder whispering in my ear, “Hee Hee Heee!!!! Don’t forget about MEEEE!!!” I felt like a fraud, actually. Like at any moment, all those chocolate bars and pastrami and cheese sandwiches would gang up on me and my ass would expand like a busted can of biscuits, Nutty Professor style.

I woke up Sunday morning, still not worried about what I was going to eat that day or if I would get a workout in. I blame the ladies at the bar and all their effin compliments. It was Sunday, after all, the glorious day of Rest otherwise known as My Diet Starts Again Tomorrow. So I did what any hungover girl would do, I grabbed an extra large milkshake on the way outta town and slept the rest of the afternoon. Later that night, my man asked me if my head had shrunken back down to size. I thought he was referring to my hangover headache but what he really meant was had I gotten over all the ego stroking that went on the night before. I had to giggle.

When I woke up Monday morning, I vowed to get this train back on track. And I did! I had a great run, and felt exhilarated, powerful and alive when I was done. I ate a really healthy lunch, and did not buy a chocolate bar for the first day in a week and a half.

And then, at 7 p.m., I started a batch of homemade sticky buns. Ironically, a recipe I found on Pinterest while browsing for Fitness Motivation. Such is life. 🙂

So the moral of the story here kids is that in many ways, perfection is an illusion. Even those fitness models who have rock hard abs and an ass to die for probably had one to many cupcakes once or twice in their lives. Jillian Michaels was a fat teenager! Everybody falls. Everybody quits. Everybody fails. Humans, we ain’t a perfect breed. But for the most part we’re stubborn, or stupid, or both, and we just keep trying. It’s pathological. It’s a curse. It’s a blessing. It’s the reason I have jeans in my closet in every size from 28 to 33. So if you’re feeling a little discouraged, no matter what your challenge may be right now, cut yourself some slack and start again.

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Let’s do a brief Recap of today, shall we?

Today, I repeated the phrase, “Holy Shit” in my head approximately 39 times in 60 minutes.
Today, I laid on my livingroom floor gasping for breath while my 5 year old asked me if I was o.k.
Today, I started Phase 2 of Insanity.

Now, I have to admit that despite my “RAH RAH!” Go-Fitness!!! attitude lately, I was really kind of dreading today. On January 2, I made a promise to myself to get my ass in shape come hell or high water, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job. I got on the treadmill consistently. I counted my calories and kept a food journal, as annoying and crazy as it sounds, because I know that it’s the only thing that keeps me on track and accountable for what is going down the hatch. 5 weeks ago, I made a deal with devil, otherwise known as Shaun T, to take the “Insanity Challenge”. It was hard, but hell I was loving the results so I kept going. After 4 weeks, there is a one week “Recovery Period” where you basically do a slow, stretch/tone/yoga dvd every day instead of the crazy freak show workouts you’ve been doing for 6 days a week for the past month.

I did not do said Recovery dvd’s.

My plan was actually to use this week to get back to the treadmill and enjoy some jogging, as I have been missing it and too tired to do it in addition to the Insanity workouts. And then I went and got all crazy and disfigured my foot or something in a freak stiletto accident and I decided I better just use the recovery week to “take ‘er easy”. Which apparently also meant “eat whatever I want and worry about it later.” I still like healthy food, don’t get me wrong!!! But I was definitely affected by that strange phenomenon that occurs when you skip a workout (or 5) and suddenly don’t feel as motivated to put the cupcake down. At first, it was like, “Hhmmm…maybe I’ll have an extra scoop of peanut butter today”, and by the end of the week it was more like, “WWHHHEEEEEEEE! This is FUN! Cookies and Cupcakes and Butter Tarts, OH MY!!! What else can I eat?!?!?!”

Cut to today. Monday Morning. Day 1 of Insanity, Phase 2. This is no joke. Remember when i told you about laying in a puddle of my own sweat and maybe a little urine on Day 1 of Insanity Phase 1? Well today, I laid on the floor twitching, wondering if I was actually going to barf like the contestants on Biggest Loser. I had a brief vision of Jillian Michaels looming over me hurling Loser insults like rapid-fire. Sorry Jillian, you’re gonna have to take your condescending negative reinforcement tactics elsewhere, I’m way too exhausted to give a shit. According to the Fit Test, my fitness level has actually increased significantly since day one, but according to the look on my kid’s face as I panted and swore and wheezed, I clearly needed medical attention.

I had mentally prepared myself for this. I knew it was going to be a notch tougher than the last round. Shaun T does warn that you will have to “Dig Deeper!!”, after all. I also knew that after taking a luxurious and lazy week off, my body would probably go into shock. I was looking forward to getting back into a routine, but I was afraid. I spent the morning doing what I do best; procrastinating. I know I normally would be working out by 9:30, but I think I better make my bed first. Hmmm, the baby doesn’t quite look ready for a nap, I better just wait. Don’t want to have to quit halfway through! I think I’ll just have a quick snack out of the fridge first….. MY, oh my! Looks like the fridge could use a good cleaning! This could be awhile….

Finally I bit the bullet and just did it. It sucked. It was horrible, and hard, and I thought I was going to die. I counted down every second on the timer…ok just 30 more minutes….just 25 more minutes….dear jeesers please let me just make it to the 4 minute cool down. I was sucking air like my lungs had holes in them. The “actors” doing the workout behind Shaun T were dropping like flies. I began to silently question my motives. Did I really want to be in shape this bad? What the hell for?? Why am I doing this to myself?

Because I can. And I did. And I will again, tomorrow.

And because I have lost 12 inches off my hips, thighs and waist in 55 days, Bitches!!! BOOYAH!
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….. Oh, and 3 off my chest….BOOO!

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I’m coming off of a looong weekend of doing absolutely nothing and eating absolutely everything. This was a nice welcomed break from what could be described as a “strict” but enjoyed workout regimen. I welcomed the lapse, thinking that it was the perfect time to shake things up a little….I had just finished the first month of my 2 month Insanity workout program, I had a fun weekend planned, and let’s face it I was getting a little bit bored with what I was (or Wasn’t) eating. I really have learned to love working out and eating clean, but I was starting to hear that little nagging nagger in my brain, suggesting that maybe I should just take a little break? What could it hurt? I’ve been doing so well! I can afford a little down-time!

This is exactly where the wheels typically fall off of the Motivation Train. Despite my best intentions, a day or two break ends up turning into the better part of a week, and pretty soon I end up back where I started, using my treadmill as a drying rack for wet bath towels and digging my fat jeans out of the bottom of the closet. (You know damn well no sane woman ever gets rid of her fat jeans…just in case! That shit is expensive!!) I live in fear of that sinking feeling of disappointment you get the first time you realize it’s time for the fat jeans again. It doesn’t happen overnight, so there’s always a little bit of denial involved, but the end result is devastation every time. Another failed attempt. I guess this wasn’t the time “I really meant it” after all. Most of us have been there, and it sucks. New Years Resolutions, you can go to hell!

So, I am very aware this time, and vigilant. I have learned my lesson. I do not want to give up. I am seeing results! I am on a roll! Alicia Keys is the soundtrack in my head every morning as I open my eyes… “THIS…GIRL IS ON FIIIIYAAAAARRRRRR!” Yep, Feelin’ good. And still, because I am human, my motivation is waning. I feel like I am white knuckling, hanging off the side of the “workout” cliff with one finger, clinging to my last little chunk of motivation for dear life. It’s hot. Fear of failure is beating on my head like a giant laser beam, and the salty sweat of defeat drips down my face. My kids start circling overhead like vultures, just waiting to get a taste of mommy when she finally gives up and tumbles to her demise in the deep, dark chasm of hotdogs and grilled cheese. There is a mirage in the distance.

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Yes. Now, I have been eating Peanut Butter all along. I had finally decided I had enough with the ridiculous attempts at trying to give it up, and decided to allow myself as much as I wanted, as long as I was working out and watching everything else in my diet. Presto Change-o! Suddenly I didn’t have an obsession! I still loved Peanut Butter, I just didn’t “love it” 10 times a day. My evil plan worked! What a genius! Reverse Psychology is alive and well! But wait, what is this happening now? I miss a couple of workouts, and suddenly, the Peanut Butter is calling my name? Bastard. I can’t pass through the kitchen without being pulled toward the pantry by Peanut Butter’s evil peanuty force.
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Damn you, Peanut Butter.

I better get on the treadmill and work some of it off. I like to run! This shouldn’t be hard! Ugh. Was it always this annoying to move all the furniture and roll out the treadmill? What a pain in the ass! Who does this? Oh well, ok there. It’s out. I’m ready. Now where the hell are my shoes. There is a knot tied in the laces! WTF! The shit I gotta deal with, I tell ya. I am starting to smell the funk of a bad attitude, and I think it’s coming from me. oK So I finally get on and turn it up…got the baby in the swing, the music is loud, just like I like it. This feels good! I knew it would be ok if I could just make myself get on this…OWW! What in GoodGagnam’sGonads was that?! My foot feels like it has been crushed! When did this happen?

oH, YEAH. Probably on the weekend, when I was wearing those really hot 9 inch stiletto heels out dancing all night. And my feet were so swollen, I couldn’t get the shoes on the next day. Remember that? Uh-huh, it’s all coming back to me…..I’ve heard that beauty is painful but this is ridiculous! OK I’m just gonna have to push past it. Pain is gain! It’s not that bad! I….can…..

Screw it. this hurts. game over.

I shut off the machine and limped to safety. Sitting on the floor, I slowly peeled off my running shoes and wondered if this was the end. Did I hit the wall? Would this be like every other time I finally gave up?

I didn’t get back on the treadmill. I also didn’t let it beat me. I had vowed at the beginning of my “mission” that in order for something to change, I would have to change something. And that is what I did. I changed my attitude. I didn’t let my mind drift to thoughts of peanut butter, fat pants and defeat. I was kind to myself, and forgiving. I put away all my gear for the day, knowing I would try again tomorrow. I made myself a healthy lunch. I stretched. I didn’t give up.

Sometimes, motivation just ain’t there. Sometimes it is, but the body isn’t willing. Sometimes, you just want to sit on your ass and eat cheesecake. Life is unpredictable, and success shouldn’t be measured by checkmarks on your calendar. Success is a state of mind. If it didn’t come today, there’s hope for tomorrow. Don’t stop. Don’t give up. Find your inner Alicia Keys.

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“THIS….GIRL IS ON FIIIIYYYYAAAAAAAAR!”

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My head hurts today, for a number of reasons. Number one, I am feeling the effects of over-indulging in copious amounts of my good old friend, rye whiskey. I don’t do it often anymore, but when I do, I rarely do it halfway. My mama didn’t raise no quitter! The second reason I’m a little sore? I fell off the diet and exercise wagon and hit every meat and cheese sandwich on the way down.

As the weekend was approaching, I noticed I was slowly losing my resolve to work out and eat well. I had been really enjoying the new routine! The regular exercise and newfound love of all things healthy really were making a big difference not only in my waistline but also in my energy, mood and general mindset, so I was surprised when I began noticing my old frenemies “Procrastination” and “Laziness” coming around again. Oh well, no biggie. I stuck to the routine for 6 weeks without fail, a couple of lazy days wouldn’t kill me, right?

But soon enough, a few other old acquaintances were joining the party. On Friday night, the last thing I felt like doing after a long day in the kitchen making cakes was cooking supper. Enter my old pal, “Take Out.” Mommy doesn’t feel like cooking, Chinese Food it is! Isn’t it ironic that on the days you don’t exercise, you suddenly don’t care as much about eating junk? It’s like, “hey! I didn’t work out today, I guess I don’t have to worry about this doughnut totally negating the calories I just busted my ass to burn off! Today’s a write-off! Bring on the ice-cream!” Yumm, that was delicious. Probably could have and should have just whipped up something quick and healthy but what the hell, it’s the weekend! I worked hard this week! Everybody needs a break every once in a while, right? By this point, I was not feeling bad at all yet about my decisions. I have spent the last 6 weeks working on changing my attitude about diet and exercise so that I truly do view it as a long term lifestyle change…a marathon not a sprint. So allowing myself treats here or junk food there is not a big issue…generally I find that allowance translates into less guilt and ultimately less indulgence. However, I did seem to be going overboard on the internal dialogue regarding all the reasons it was ok to skip workouts and eat take-out. Hello, “Rationalization”! How nice to see you again!

Saturday arrived. I was very excited. I had plans! I had friends! I had a babysitter!!!! And, adding to my delight, I had a somewhat leaner, sexier body to dress up and take out! What could make this night any better? Whiskey. Whiskey makes it better! Not only do my friends seem funnier, but I get funnier as well! And better looking! And did I mention, I become a MUCH better dancer with whiskey? Anyway, I got dressed up and met up with my friends….everyone was in the mood to party! Excellent! Who needs “Procrastination”, “Laziness”, “TakeOut”, and “Rationalization”? I left those losers at home! Time to get my party on!

Now I know I don’t have to tell you that alcohol has calories. But let’s be honest. Who cares?! The whole purpose of alcohol is to be able to let loose a little and not focus so much on the deadlines, rules and hum-drum minutiae of day-today life. So if I’m going out, and I’m drinking alcohol, you can bet your ass I am NOT worrying about how many calories are in my cocktail. Now that being said, Alcohol also has another interesting side effect. It tends to “lower your inhibitions”. And by this, what I really mean is that it tends to remove your desire to “Give a Shit” about things you normally would. Like, for instance, overt public displays of affection, embarrassing yourself, or in my case, eating like you’re the defending champion of a sandwich eating contest. I know I’m not the only one this happens to, either. Have you ever seen a 7-11 at 3 a.m.? I’m sure they sell the most chicken wings between the hours of 1 and 4 in the morning. Drunk people are hungry people!!

By midnight, I was feeling pretty darn good about myself. I had a hot date. I was being complimented left and right on my new “improvements” and I was feeling like all my hard work was finally paying off. And, I was drunkety drunk drunk and that of course didn’t hurt my self confidence. So when the ‘midnight lunch’ made its appearance, I thought to myself, “YES!” I’m hungry! What better than a good old fashioned bunwich to soak up some of this booze? There’s something to be said for the fabled Bunwich. Nice big carb-loaded bun, fill it up with the finest cuts of salty deli meat, add a pound of cheese or so, top it off with some pickles and a generous smattering of mustard. Voila`! When it’s late, and you’re drunk, the Bunwich is like the Filet Mignon of the over-imbibed masses. The trouble is that it is also like a Pringle potato chip…you can’t eat just one!

I had finished my sandwich, and graciously ‘helped’ a friend finish hers. I was still hungry. My date was on his way to the lunch table so I politely asked, “Babe, do you think you could grab a little something for me while you’re up? Thanks!” But I think it cam out like, “HeyTHERE baaaaabe, you wanna make me another Sammidge??? I’mSOHUNGRY I could eat the ass out of a dead Rhino!!!” Sexy, hey? I know. Blame it on the whiskey. By the time we left the party and headed to the after-party (after enjoying a quick bunwich on the cab ride over) I think the sammidge tally was at about 4. For reals. We had one less passenger with us in the cab. My new friend, “Self Control” had left the building.
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The after-party had cake. It was somebody’s birthday. Would I like a piece? Don’t mind if I do! Make it a big one too, I made the damn thing and I’m gonna taste it!!! Damn that’s good. I make good cake. Not sure I could actually taste anything at this point but what the hell, it looked delicious. The cake kept me going until about 3:30, when I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up this morning feeling like death.

Today, like every hung over day, was a write off. You gotta allow yourself a few of those in life. I feel like the walking dead but it was worth it! I had fun! I leet loose! I ate a lot and drank a lot and laughed a lot, and I am so glad I did. I needed a break. I needed a reason to keep going! A fun and vibrant life worth living is the reason I want to be healthy in the first place. I want to work hard and do things right 80% of the time so I can be lazy and do everything wrong for the other 20%. It’s all about balance! Reward yourself for your efforts. Take breaks. Have fun. Hang your guilt and remorse for all your bad choices at the door and join the party every once in a while. Life is for living!

I haven’t heard from “Self Control” yet today but I’m sure she’ll be back tomorrow. She probably got drunk and had a one night stand with “Responsibility.” As for those other motley characters “Procrastination” “Laziness” “Take-Out” and “Rationalization”….they’re packing their bags and leaving tonight. I’m sure they’ll be back as well, but for now they’ve overstayed their welcome. I can only handle them in small doses. Besides, they’re loud, they leave a mess, and they make my house smell like sammidges and failure. Good Riddance!

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It’s Monday! Aren’t you glad??? I am. I LOVE Mondays. And Rainy Days. And Freak Blizzard Snowstorms. And having the flu, or a really bad headcold. Oh and let’s not forget pain. Not a lot, just a little. Why, you ask?

Because all of these things have something in common. They make you feel like, “Hey, You know what? I can feel sorry for myself today! I can do absolutely nothing and not feel guilty about it!”. They are all like handy little Get Out Of Jail Free cards in the big Monopoly game of life. Excuses, without all the red tape.

Everybody knows that Mondays are like a free pass to drag your ass. Oh, you’re late for work? Well, it is Monday. Must of had a hectic weekend. Kids go off to school with mismatched socks and rooster tails? Aww hell, it’s Monday. Who cares? They’re wearing clothes, right? Good enough. Sweet Monday. A day of no pressure, no expectations, no deadlines. You can sit around at work, maybe take an extra 5-10 minutes for coffee, ramble on to your co-workers about what you did on the weekend. Your boss understands, it’s Monday after all! A little workplace bonding is good for Morale! Not to mention, you’ve got 4 more days to cross stuff off your To-Do List. If Life were a round of golf, Monday would be a Mulligan.

Tuesday gets a bit trickier. You probably should get to work on time, you’ve had a day to get back into the swing of things, after all. Tuesday is like 10 a.m. By this time, you should have started to accomplish something for the day and have a clear plan of what you’re going to do next. Tuesday is all about making promises. On Tuesday, you are telling yourself all about what you are going to get done this week. Tuesday is hopeful and optimistic.

Not like Wednesday, that diabolical mid-week bastard. If it’s Wednesday, and you haven’t gotten your shit together yet, then you gotta feel bad! All of a sudden it’s time to Pick Up The Pace! Get Dinner on the Table! Get that load of laundry done already, will ya? It’s Wednesday! What have you been doing all week? It’s almost the weekend, and all you’ve managed to cross off your list is “Wash Clothes”….and you can cross that off 4 times because that’s the number of times you’ve washed the same load, because you keep forgetting to put it in the dryer before it’s too late and they stink again. Wednesday. Foul-mouthed reminder of reality.

Thursday is here before you know it. Thursday is like that bi-polar friend of yours that you gotta love because it’s never dull….Thursday has you feeling a little stressed about what you haven’t accomplished yet, and excited for the weekend all at the same time. Your mind wants to drift to thoughts of Sweet Saturday but Thursday is being a bitch and won’t let you live down Wednesday yet. You’re still folding load after load of laundry and trying to get the kids to finish Tuesday’s homework. You’re starting to smell the sour stench of failure wafting in from Friday’s direction.

Friday is here!!!! One would normally be excited about Friday, but if you’re like me, you’re getting old and you have kids and your Friday night is pretty much the same as every other night of the week, except you are totally exhausted from the shit you’ve been dealing with for the last 5 days. Even if you do have some scrap of a social life left, chances are you’ve planned something for Saturday, because it’s the easiest day to get a babysitter, and you can Rest all day in order to be able to stay up later than 9 p.m. Friday is the last 1/4 mile of a 5 mile marathon. You can see the finish line, you can’t feel your legs, and all you can think about is laying down and closing your eyes. You are shocked you made it this far, and you’re not quite sure you’ll finish the race. Friday is exhausting.

Saturday is here!!! You wake up, possibly after sleeping in (unless you have small children, then HA HA PSYCH!) and know that most likely, whatever you have to do today, is by choice. You do what you want. But there is pressure! It’s Saturday! You should be doing something Interesting! You should be doing something Fun! That is what Saturday is for, right? You worked hard all week, and now YOU get to be the boss! Grab life by the Kahunas! So, why do you end up watching HBO inhaling a family sized bag of Twizzlers and a slurpee? Because you’ve buckled under Saturday’s pressure. Saturday is your glamorous cousin who always looks put together and flies First Class. Saturday is High Maintenance.

Ah, Sunday. The Day of Rest. But a person can only rest so much before they become just plain… Bored. Everything about Sunday is boring. Church is boring. TV is boring. Businesses are closed. You begin to watch the clock. Tick. Tick. Tick. Only 14 more hours till Monday, I better enjoy this peace and quiet. I’ll read a book. 13 more hours. Did I mention my kids are driving me effing bonkers and I can’t wait until they get on the bus to school on Monday Morning? You see, Sunday is not without its pitfalls, either. Sunday may be Sacred, but it’s no Monday.

Monday is where it’s at! Monday is a new beginning! A glass half full! On Monday, you get to start all over again with the delusion that this week, you’re gonna show Friday who is boss! Embrace your Mulligan!

Happy Monday!!!

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Just a quick post tonight… I want to take the time to thank everyone who has been so supportive of my blog and basically just of me in general these days. I truly am loving life, and feeling great about the positive changes I have been making. I realize that nobody thinks my life is as interesting as I do 🙂 but it does give me some kind of a sense of purpose to know that I might be in some way inspiring someone else to make positive changes as well, or possibly adding my voice as someone somebody can relate to in some way. OR, if nothing else, spreading a little of my warped sense of humour around out there to add a chuckle to your morning coffee, perhaps.

I find this sentiment to be meaningful and true: “A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” Be supportive of your friends and family, hell even people you don’t know. It takes nothing away from you, but adds so much to someone else. Just think about the warm and fuzzies you get when someone simply “Likes” your facebook status or comments on a picture of your kids. It took almost no effort on their part, but made you feel important, even if just for a second. Now imagine that in “Real Life” form. Encourage someone. It will make you feel amazing. It reminds me of that Friends episode when Phoebe is on a desperate quest to perform a selfless act of kindness on someone, but she discovers it is impossible. The simple act of expressing kindness alone left her feeling all warm and wonderful inside and ultimately made the kindness feel selfish.

We all want to feel loved, accepted and important. It is the human condition. It is important to realize that how we treat others in life is a direct reflection of our character. Karma is alive and well out there in the universe, people. Be afraid!!!! But more importantly, Be Nice! Nice guys don’t finish last, they finish happy. Negativity is like junk food…it may taste good on the tongue and can become addictive, but it leaves you feeling yucky and when you finally give up the habit you feel so much better!

Finally, encourage yourself. Sometimes, the person we tend to dish out the most negativity to is ourselves. If your inner dialogue sounds more like an angry EMINEM rap song than an Al Green love ballad, I’m talking to you. Be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself. Let go of any limitations you may have set in your own mind. Sometimes the best way to feel better about yourself is to make someone else feel better. The Dalai Lama says, “It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come.”

We are all independant individual souls in this world, but we are not alone. We are all sharing the experience of Life, and none of us is an expert. We are all beginners, we are all learning. Let’s help each other.